For a nerd like myself who is fascinated with geopolitics, stupid tweets and brutal Graham Norton takedowns, Eurovision is always something I look forward to every year. Musically, the abundance of utter Europop trash really shouldn’t appeal to me, but it’s more than a bit of a guilty pleasure at this point. I mean, I could just blame Lordi for converting me, right? The fact that such an outlandishly ridiculous metal band could ever win such a competition has made my head spin every year I’ve watched the show. Yeah, let’s just go with that…

That brings me to writing up this feature, one I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Every year I’ve hoped that a couple of killer rock or metal acts could really make an impact against the sea of characterless ballads that have featured more and more in recent years. Too bad there aren’t any more rock or metal bands around today that could enthral a full continent through their use of sheer overblown cheesy lyrics, anthemic choruses, technical musical ability and/or mind-blowing visual performances, right?

 …*grins*…

Here’s a list of bands I would personally love to see perform alongside the acts you’d normally see each year, just for fun (I would also be over the moon to see them win as well, but that’s beside the point). Until I can find a decent rock band from the likes of Montenegro, the following list which only contains 15 bands from 15 different countries will need to do. So, as usual there’s an accompanying playlist here, let’s go!

1. Armenia - System of a Down

Starting off this ridiculous list with a truly ridiculous band was the only way to go. I know I’m cheating slightly here, as System of a Down were formed in California, but the influence of their heritage throughout their music and performances makes me think they wouldn’t be too upset about it. I also couldn’t find any other Armenian bands that are as famous or could compete with the sheer insanity of SOAD’s delivery either. Yeah, they aren’t quite as crazy nowadays in the live environment, but I can imagine that given the chance of playing in front of millions of people, they’d find a way to bring back some of the excitement of that eye-popping politically charged alt metal from back in their heyday. A chance for the band to perhaps get a word in to an entire continent about current political events and their stance on the Armenian Genocide? Yeah, this would be one hell of a watch. Check out System of a Down with one of their better recent performances in the video below, and you’ll see why I’ve added them here.

 2. Australia - Airbourne

For some reason, Australia’s entry for the competition’s 60th anniversary has resulted in them becoming an honorary participant for the last 4 years. Sure, Eurovision… Why the hell not? It does give us a reason to throw some Aussie bands into the fray, I guess. Of the most contemporary bands from down under at the moment, Parkway Drive were contenders for this list due to their awesome stage shows and performances of late. Just check out the pyrotechnics on some of the shows they’ve done in the last few years. Utterly awesome. However, looking down the list, there are a few bands that do a similar thing to Parkway Drive visually (all the fire, all the time), so I decided to go with something completely different musically but that is really a more obvious musical option for Australia. Hailing from the land of the barby, beer, sun and good old hard rocking, I had to go with Airbourne for all those good vibes. Sorry, AC/DC, I think Airbourne would give a far better performance these days. Bouncing with energy all the way through those anthemic fist pumping choruses blasted through ginormous Marshall stacks, I reckon they’d go down a treat for Eurovision audiences. It wouldn’t hurt to see Joel O’ Keefe do the old ‘smash a can of beer on his head and attempt to climb the stage scaffolding’ routine in front of the world either; if only to see the security panic, the audience stare in shock and Graham Norton make all sorts of comments about it. It’s a no brainer here but if you need any more encouragement there’s a video below for you.

3. Denmark - Volbeat

While the rest of the Nordic countries have more outlandish rock and metal bands than most other countries combined (you’ll see this a bit later on), Denmark is a little bit different, to the point where there are actually memes about how musically different the Danes are to their Northern cousins. I did find a few notable bands that could be up for discussion, however. Looking back to the late 80s and early 90s, D-A-D and Dizzy Mizz Lizzy are bands that could both have given a decent show at Eurovision, even if their versions of glam metal and alternative rock aren’t particularly flamboyant and are quite a bit less energetic nowadays. For energy though, that’s where we bring in Volbeat. Their iconic sound of Cash and Presley influenced rockabilly mixed wonderfully with the thrashy metal goodness of bands like Metallica means that they would bring some killer riffs alongside a danceable swing and huge uplifting choruses to the table. It doesn’t matter whether the song would be a mammoth ballad or a romping grooveabilly thrasher, as it would sound killer regardless. It also doesn’t harm them that they’re a pretty damn good live band as well and still a whole lot of fun onstage. I could see them going down pretty well at Eurovision to be honest. Especially if they have the huge stage set up, on-point vocals and instrumentals that they have in the video below.

4. Finland - Reckless Love

Unlike their Danish neighbours, Finland have more of a solid footing in cheesy overblown metal, so there were a few decent choices to be had here that could compete with Lordi’s iconic entry. Notable symphonic bands like Sonata Arctica, Apocalyptica and (in my opinion the best band in the entire symphonic metal genre) Nightwish would certainly suit Eurovision to a tee with their sense of naff operatic drama and epic visual performances. Taking a heavier tact, Children of Bodom would really make an impression with their mix of power and death metal and their often ridiculous self-aware lyrics and vocals would be sure to prompt a chuckle as well. Looking forward to the other countries from this area however, there was only one band I could really go for which would provide something a bit different. Reckless Love are a band that sound like every single 80s glam metal trope blended together with an embrace of Euro cheese that would make even ABBA cringe. The band have moved a bit too far beyond metal in recent years for my own taste, and towards the sort of thing Eurovision champions, but that just makes them even more of an obvious choice. Personally, I’d love to see them do a song similar to material from their debut album which would bring forward an arena filling chorus, impressive musicianship and utterly stupid lyrics. Throw in their typical posturing, groupie enticing live performances and enough hairspray to blow a hole in the ozone layer and you have a solid gold star all round for 80s cheese and a potential first place Eurovision entry. I’m not even sorry. I love this band.

5. France - Carpenter Brut

Compared to other nations, France isn’t really a country people tend to associate with huge cheesy rock bands. There are plenty of more serious underground punk and metal bands out there however, but the fact that Gojira are by far the biggest of them indicates that the heavier end of music isn’t really the place to look for Eurovision. As much as I would love to see them blow minds across the continent with their furious but still technically tight live performance, I doubt very much that the likes of Gojira would even get through the doors, let alone in to the final. France’s electronic rock scene however, is booming at the moment. Groups like Perturbator and Gost have helped in recent years to develop a dark overblown synthwave sound that could really work for Eurovision. Bring forward Carpenter Brut, and this choice of music makes even more sense. Of all these groups, Carpenter Brut have nailed that Tron-esque futuristic 80s synth sound in the most commercial way yet. Throw in a live set up that includes mad lighting and visual effects alongside a live band, (and a singer so that they actually abide by Eurovision’s rules) and I think this could actually work. I mean, if Darude can get away with it this year for Finland’s actual entry, anyone can. If you need any further convincing however, just check out some footage of their live shows to get an idea of the level of theatrics Carpenter Brut bring to their otherwise anonymous recordings. It would also be far better than any of the utterly terrible garbage France has submitted in the last few years. Remember that weird moustache song a few years back? Yeesh. If all else fails, Gost are a fun prospect as well for some spookier vibes. Just throw in some synthwave, yeah?

6. Germany - Rammstein

Germany, more so than (almost) every other country in this list, plays host to a simply unreal number of bands that could work really well for Eurovision. I suppose that’s a given when you’re looking at the country that pretty much single-handedly gave birth to the entire power metal sub-genre. Prominent bands of this type that I considered picking included Blind Guardian and Powerwolf. The latter would put on such a ridiculous show with their spooky but brilliant priest werewolf aesthetic that it could go down in a similar way to Lordi’s entry. But honestly, you’d be spoiled for choice if you went down this route. You’ve also got the might of heavy metal legends like Scorpions and Accept to contend with, but I thought I should leave some of these styles to other countries when Germany have such an obvious choice for Eurovision that’s completely different. Rammstein are simply one of the greatest visual bands on the planet and, if given the budget they are given on their own shows, they could produce one of the most spectacular performances to ever be shown on international TV. Their “Neue Deutsche Härte” sound that fuses the brutality of the German language, industrial metal and gritty electronics would also be the perfect summation of Germany’s musical past as well. Imagine the response to a live performance anything remotely similar to the one shown in the link below. I don’t care if they would cost more than every other Eurovision act combined, it would be so worth it. Literally a band I’ve wanted to play Eurovision for years. If all else fails, just try and make sure you see this band live at least once in your life.

7. Iceland - Hatari

Cold, sparsely populated and full of dramatic landscapes, Iceland’s music tends to fit in with these geographic characteristics. The country’s most famous act, Björk sets the stage for much of what Iceland has to offer musically with vast, expansive, often times simultaneously bleak and ethereal songs that just sound exactly like those cold Icelandic landscapes. For an alternative take, the post-rock/post-metal bands Sigur Ros and Solstafir were two of the acts I considered putting on this list. With a suitably atmospheric backdrop and light show, either of these bands could do something quite unique and special for Eurovision. I wasn’t sure just how exciting this patient sort of music would be for a wider audience though, so I went looking a bit further. Turns out Iceland already has a pretty mental act for this year’s competition that fits in with this list quite well so I didn’t need to go looking too far. Hatari are a techno-punk influenced industrial band that sound a bit like the result of The Prodigy having a lovechild with Rammstein and Nine Inch Nails. Throw in some mad BDSM gothic aesthetics to proceedings and a song title that translates to ‘Hatred Will Prevail’ and you’ve got something that’s guaranteed to get people talking this year; for better or for worse. Check out the video below from their live show rehearsal for this year. I personally think the song’s pretty awesome and they definitely stand out among the usual Eurovision acts. In the end I couldn’t pick a band that I thought would be a better choice than Hatari, so fair play to them. I’ll be rooting them on for sure in this year’s final!

8. Ireland - Dropkick Murphys

Although Ireland are the most successful country in the competition, it’s been a long time since they have finished anywhere close to the top of the rankings (1997 to be precise). Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the country has been sending incredibly boring or, in the case of Jedward, utterly dire acts for much of the last two decades. This fact also goes to eliminate the possibility of U2 participating in this list, as their musical output has been anything but exciting or good over the last decade or two. I reckon some Celtic influenced rock and metal bands could liven things up a bit though. Although it’s still a pretty small scene, there are a few Celtic metal bands that could work for Eurovision like Cruachan and Waylander. Whether they went with ballad-y material or more blood pumping tunes with a bit of grit, I think that the use of traditional Irish folk instruments and a ton of heart-filled energy would make them fun entries for the competition. Like with System of a Down, I’m going to cheat slightly with my final answer though. Of all the Celtic bands out there, there is none more utterly joyous and appropriate for Eurovision than Boston’s premier Celtic-punks Dropkick Murphys. The fact they have a killer live show alongside the ability to write songs that can make people laugh, shout, jump and cry at the same time doesn’t hurt them in the slightest either. Give the video below a watch and try to argue that they wouldn’t be one of the most fun acts in the competition. I dare you.

9. Netherlands - Within Temptation

Perhaps due to the fact that the Netherlands has a booming classical music scene, beginning centuries ago and continuing to this day, the country has had its fair share of classically influenced musicians. Van Halen exist for a start and their current bassist (who’s also the son of Eddie Van Halen, may I add) is called Wolfgang. Enough said. Now, if only Van Halen were as great live today as they were back in the 80s, they would have made this list in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, time is a cruel thing but luckily, symphonic metal exists, from which there are a few bands that could take their place. The Netherlands also has more than their fair share of prominent bands in this scene. Out of the three most well-known Dutch symphonic metal bands, Within Temptation, Delain and Epica, I feel that the former has the biggest sound for Eurovision, and arguably has the best songs of the three as well. Vocalist Sharon den Adel’s angelic but impressive singing style is one that would certainly put most other acts in the competition to shame. Although I don’t think they’re quite as dramatic or cheesy live as Nightwish would have been, had I selected them to represent Finland, the fact that I didn’t pick them means that there’s a gap for a symphonic metal band on the Eurovision roster. If they sang a song that was similar to the one in the video below with a similarly huge stage show to match, Within Temptation could definitely work for Eurovision. I’d certainly pick watching this over the usual drab, soulless ballads that flood the competition each year.

10. Norway - Turbonegro

Like Iceland, Norway is known for its dramatic glacial landscapes and Nordic bleakness. Hard not to see why Norway is the home of black metal then. Bands like Emperor, Enslaved, Abbath, Darkthrone, Immortal, Mayhem and so many others have caused shock and outrage through their evil sound and lyrics for decades. Add in overdramatic performances full of inverted crosses and corpse paint that often borders on being campy trite, and they sound perfect for Eurovision huh? Well yeah, obviously. If Norway didn’t have another band that could somehow make these elements more overtly flamboyant, and the country below this one didn’t have the best modern black metal bands on the planet, any of the above bands could have represented Norway with ease. Turbonegro exist, however. Borrowing some of the most prominent visual and sonic elements from black metal but spicing them up with a cheeky rock n’ roll, rebellious, homosexualised spirit and questionable lyrics, Norway’s premier ‘deathpunk’ band would probably cause even more scandal than any of those black metal bands. Although the band have been through a number of line-up changes and have been around for a while, the video below shows just how the daft costumes, the bizarre stage gimmicks and the banter, which often borders on the completely unacceptable, have never really let up much after all these decades. Oh, and they have some killer danceable tunes that sound just like how their name suggests. Mad tunes accentuated by mad performances. Exactly what Eurovision has been lacking in the last few years. Turbonegro may not make it out of the competition alive, but they’d go out kicking and screaming anyway. All of the yeses.

11. Poland - Behemoth

Speaking of controversy, not making it out of the competition alive, and kicking and screaming, it’s onto Poland’s list. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know an awful lot of bands who hail from Poland, but I do know that there are prominent scenes within the country. The influence of western European music has long been present in the country, and this can be seen within the country’s vast contingent of underground bands from punk, thrash, death and goth metal scenes alike. Other than the major band I was aware of from Poland, Decapitated, there is another which has become both one of the most famous bands from the country and within extreme metal more generally. Behemoth have managed to combine the sheer sense of evil and shock that Norway’s black metal scene solidified visually and musically with a sense of scale and spectacle that is unmatched. It’s their ability to balance the absurdly brutal nature of the music and aesthetics with a classy sense of intelligence, scale, atmosphere and utterly unbelievable live performances that, for me, really makes Behemoth the best black metal band in the world. Following a performance like the one below, most of Europe would probably attempt to ban the band from performing in their countries (like several have already done). Eurovision, and the worldwide media, would never be the same again and I’d welcome it so much.

12. Russia - Leningrad

Staying in the eastern side of Europe, Russia is not really a country often associated with rock or metal music. At least in the west anyway. But of course, that doesn’t mean it isn’t present. Since the 60s, rock n’ roll’s influence has bled into Russia’s music in a unique way, but it wasn’t really until the 1980s when larger genres raised their heads. This has resulted in two distinct forms of rock music that have endured until this day: heavy metal and punk. With the former, there were bands like Aria and Chomy Kofe and the biggest metal act to come out of Russia by some distance were the glam metal band Gorky Park. Although their performances back in the 80s would definitely suit Eurovision, their more recent shows seem quite a bit more restrained and… well… a bit meh. With punk, there are many younger, energetic bands that could be both entertaining and controversial on a continental stage. Pussy Riot were the first band I thought of to play Eurovision, since they have a reputation for making huge political statements on international TV. I’m not sure the band would actually make it into the competition what with all the imprisonment and jumping ship to the States however. Additionally, their newer songs don’t seem all that musically or visually engaging. Sorry guys, it’s probably for the best. This meant I had to have another look at some Russian punk bands that could put on an exciting show. There’s plenty of other punk bands out there (many of which I will need to return to in the future) but Leningrad stood out to me the most. From their earlier ska-infused material to their most recent fusion poppy dance punk, this experienced band (who also happen to be one of the biggest rock bands in Russia) could put on a great performance for Eurovision. Just check out the video below if you need any proof of that. I really don’t know what it is going on here, but I know that it looks absolutely mental and they would make Eurovision a more interesting prospect, that’s for sure.

13. Sweden - Ghost

Home to ABBA and the largest quantity of ridiculous rock and metal bands of any country in the world, Sweden is the single best Eurovision country when it comes to heavier music. Want ultra cheesy glam metal that sounds like it’s stuck in the 80s? You’ve got the likes of Europe, Backyard Babies and H.E.A.T. Daft but totally infectious garage rock with a killer stage show? The Hives. Utterly ridiculous melodic death metal that is guaranteed to deliver an obscenely theatrical show? Take your pick from literally dozens of bands here (Amon Amarth, Avatar, In Flames and Sabaton are some of my best picks). Brutal black metal that could give Norway a run for its money? There’s Bathory, Dark Funeral, Shining and of course, the ever controversial Watain. You don’t have to look far to find a band well suited to Eurovision and this could barely be any more appropriate for Amaranthe in all their Euro-dance metal glory. Well, less on the glory really. Yeah, I am not a fan of their live performances but they are perhaps the most appropriate band to play Eurovision, and I could imagine they would also do quite well to be entirely honest. But thankfully there’s another band that could save the day for this fan of gloomier cheesy metal. Ghost combine the theatrics of a gothic black metal band with the sound of spooky 70s psychedelic rock and more than a little bit of a sprinkling of the huge melodic pop choruses Sweden is so well known for. With a show as huge as the one shown in the video below, with church decorations, organs, nuns, killer hooks and all, I can imagine Ghost going down an absolute treat for most, as well as being slammed by religious types. With a song that sounds a bit like their newest 80s inspired material from Prequelle, their inclusion could only be a winner in my eyes. If any one band in this entire list would get the most benefit from being broadcast to the entire continent as well, it just has to be Ghost. Their performances on daytime TV shows around the world and the awards they’ve received in Sweden show a level of promise on a mainstream level that isn’t really seen elsewhere. Please, for the love of all that is good, put Ghost on Eurovision, Sweden!

14. Switzerland - Eluveitie

Nestled between the Alps and five other countries, the landlocked and historically neutral Switzerland seems to have developed its own musical rock identity that would be awesome to see highlighted live on Eurovision. You don’t have far to look before things get a bit dark, and more than a little weird. From the seed planted by extreme metal pioneers Hellhammer grew Celtic Frost who merged extreme metal and hardcore before becoming more atmospheric and esoteric with age. Bands like Coroner share similar avante garde traits but perhaps wouldn’t have the visual aesthetic to support their entry whereas Triptykon, the spiritual successor to Celtic Frost would be great for Eurovision due to their thunderous music and impressive gothic influenced black metal visuals. But then taking one step even further, Zeal & Ardor are possibly the best choice for such weird music. The haunting yet gorgeous mix of gospel music and extreme metal from the Switzerland based band would stun anyone watching the competition to the extent where it may (possibly) silence Graham Norton for the entirety of their performance. I’d give it a few years for the band to further grow their visual show to match the intensity of their sonics in order to deliver something truly life changing, but this band are definitely one of the best choices for this mad little country. That leaves only one other band, and perhaps the first one I actually thought of before trying to think of someone less obvious. This list is missing a bit of folk-metal. So why not Eluveitie, one of the most famous, and perhaps one of the best, Celtic folk metal bands out there? With a sound that can be as joyful as anything Dropkick Murphys can write or as powerfully melodic as any melodeath band out there, Eluveitie bring a level of fun that some of these other bands simply don’t have. Just take a look at the video below if you need any further reassurance. Bagpipes, joyfully danceable metal and huge epic vocals? Definitely the right choice for me.

 15. United Kingdom - Judas Priest

Alongside Ireland, the UK really hasn’t had a good time of it at Eurovision in the last decade or so and it doesn’t help that the entries seem to have gotten more and more dreadful each year. I still occasionally have flashbacks about that Bonnie Tyler performance a few years ago *shudders*. For sure, an absolutely killer performance really is due for a country that is no stranger to overblown rock and metal. For a dash of extremity to end this list off in the most furious way possible, you have the likes of Venom, Carcass, Napalm Death and Cradle of Filth. After entries like Behemoth, Rammstein and Hakari however, this may be just a little too much sheer darkness for one single list. Upping the ridiculous sense of campiness, there’s so many bands to choose from this little island however. To the annoyance or joy of the entire continent, you could get the utterly-stupid-but-still-shockingly-fun Perth pirate metallers Alestorm or the band that is most famous for that one song on Guitar Hero, Dragonforce. Although I would quite like to see the reaction that either of these bands would get on Eurovision, they still wouldn’t be my top choices when the likes of The Darkness exist. Although their recent material hasn’t been amazing since their first two albums, they would still be a hell of a good time in all their 70s arena rock spandex wearing glory. Go a step further and you could try and get the likes of Whitesnake to play, or Def Leppard, or Queen with Adam Lambert, or Iron Maiden or… Wait, hold on. Can you even get any bigger than that? I know this isn’t a serious list but we’ve got to make this a little bit fair for everyone else. Let’s just calm down a second, and pick someone a little bit smaller, still world famous and ridiculous, while being simultaneously furious, metal and camp as hell, shall we? Of course, Judas Priest are the best way to end this list. With Rob Halford being perhaps the biggest gay name in metal and the band bringing spandex and leather to an audience that didn’t see their music as anything other than tough, this band could put on a show that would be talked about for years to come. Even if age has made the band a little less energetic on stage, the sheer sonic prowess and visual command in the video below shows that Priest are still one of the greatest live bands on the planet. What a band and what a way to really bring those Lordi vibes back and end this year’s alternative contest with style. Just do it, Eurovision. You know you want to.  

And that brings us to the end of this list. Be sure to let us know whether there are any bands you think would be great for Eurovision from any of the countries taking part, or indeed any cool bands from any of the smaller countries I should have a listen to. I’m all ears. Thanks to The Head Scratcher for letting me yammer away about Eurovision, and I hope you’ve enjoyed this list!

I you’re interested in any other alternative lists then why not check out The Alternative Brit Awards 2019.

Peace.

Huge thanks to Joanne Gray for contributing this article to The Head Scratcher. Make sure you check out her Rock Will Eat Itself blog at rockwilleatitself.blogspot.com or over on Facebook and Twitter for all your heavy music needs.