Ah, the 14th of February, that special day celebrated annually where couples are pressured into making extravagant gestures of forced affection and singles are made to feel bad about their lack of a significant other to lavish with gifts or to be lavished by.

Struggling for ways to spend your Valentines day? Looking for ideas for you and your partner or just you, yourself and erm you? Don't care about Valentine's Day?

Fret not thyself; The Head Scratcher has you covered. 

This is The Alternative Guide to Valentines Day.

#boydonegood #girldonegood

1. Play a Romantic Videogame

Playing games on your own is great and playing games together with friends or a partner can also be pretty cool, right? So why not try:

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne - A Film Noir Love Story

Remember Max Payne? It was the hard-boiled tale of a New York cop out for revenge on the drug dealers that murdered his wife and child. Intense.

If you don't remember the game then maybe you remember that awful Mark Wallberg film. Forget that film now and forget it forever (or burn it with fire) but do remember this; the games were actually good, memorable and loads of fun.

The second instalment, The Fall of Max Payne is a tragic love story between Max and a woman who attempted to murder him on more than one occasion. Love is complicated.

On top of all the gooey romance there's plenty of gory violence, goon blasting (that's goon not goo), diving in slow motion through bullet hell and running around in a giant "Captain Baseball Bat Boy" costume rigged to explode.

If that's not the perfect way to spend a day then I don't know what is.

You can get it on Steam or get physical (it is Valentine's after all) and grab yourself a copy on PC here. 

#maxpayneandchill

2. Watch a Romantic TV Show

Watching TV shows is a great way to relax so why not cosy up to your favourite person or your favourite flavour of Doritos and watch:

The End of The F*cking World

Meet James, a teenager who, convinced he's a psychotic killer, has vowed to graduate from the murder of animals to the murder of humans. All he needs is a victim.

Meet Alyssa, an outsider and misfit who takes a shine to James, quickly making him her boyfriend whilst he pretends to fall in love with her.

While James continues to plot murder, with his target now his new girlfriend, the two embark on an epic cross country road trip to find Alyssa's estranged father whilst getting into increasingly more dangerous and unlawful situations along the way.

The most heartwarming show about a boy who wants to murder his girlfriend that you're ever likely to see. There's a second season confirmed so keep an eye out for that too.

It's on Netflix, it's on All4 but it's also based on a graphic novel so if you want something to grab hold of get it here.

#idkill(for)you

3. Watch a Romantic Documentary Film

The rise of Netflix Originals has seen the number of quality documentaries skyrocket in recent years. Want one that's Valentine's themed but sick of endlessy scrolling Netflix? Why not try:

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

February 14th, 1929, Lincoln Park, Chicago. Seven members of Chicago's North Side Gang are lined up against a garage wall and brutally executed by machine gun fire, their bodies completely torn to shreds. 

This heinous attack was the worst gang assasination in mob history, an act reportedly planned and carried out at the command of one Al Capone, the infamous leader of the South Side Gang, and intended to knock off rival boss Bugs Moran (who ultimately escaped). No one was ever convicted.

Why not learn about the history of these rivals? Discover how they rose to fame in prohibition era America, how it all built to this gruesome moment and ultimately how they each met their demise.

SPOILER ALERT: Capone died of syphilis. Sexy.

Watch the full documentary below.  If you want something you can insert into somewhere then you can grab a copy of the dramatised Hollywood movie on Blu-Ray, here.

#tornapartbylove

4. Watch a Romantic Movie

Nothing says I love you like a good old Korean revenge tale. The pick of the bunch is:

Oldboy

Oh Dae-su is imprisoned by an unknown captor for an unknown reason. After 15 years he is finally released and goes on a journey to find out the true identity of his jailer.

Along the way he meets a young girl and together they discover the sickening truth behind his incarceration.

Oldboy is full of brutal violence. There's a particularly impressive one shot fight scene in a subway involving a hammer that you won't forget in a hurry.

The subjugation and solitary confinement of Oh Dae-su by his captor is harrowing but full of dark humour and following him as he seeks his revenge and tries to figure out who's behind it all is captivating.

The film ends on a devastating and sickening twist which will leave you reeling. Please watch the original Korean version. If you watch the American remake because you dont want to read subtitles then we can't be friends.

#havewemet?

5. Read a Romance Novel

There are many great tales of romance: Romeo and Juliet, Reader's Wives or those books that come in a large number of different greys (whatever they're called...) but what greater romance is there than humanity's love affair with robots. Celebrate it with:

I, Robot by Isaac Asimov

You may have heard of the novel I, Robot or seen the fairly shite movie (also called I, Robot) with Will "aww heyall no" Smith. Let's ignore the movie.

The book is a collection of short stories about the development of robots, their complex relationships with humans and their governance by the Three Laws of Robotics.

1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2.  A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence, except where to do so would conflict with the first or second laws.

A basic narrative whereby robopsychologist Dr Susan Calvin relates each story to a reporter forms the basis of the novel and the passion and fascination the writer has for the subject leaps from every page.

Asimov's visions are slowly coming true and there are even many people in the world who live with robots as sexual partners...maybe this will become the norm...maybe not for sadists and masochists though, I think that contravenes the first and second laws...

If you want something to turn over, grab a copy of the book here. 

#bitemyshinymetalass

​

6. Write a Love Poem

If an unlimited number of monkeys given unlimited typewriters, typing for an infinite period of time, can produce Shakespeare then surely one human given a laptop and a touch typing tutor can bash out a love poem in a few hours with:

The Typing of the Dead

What is essentially The House of the Dead 2, which you may remember as a light gun shooter from the arcades, The Typing of The Dead replaces guns for a keyboard and has you fighting off zombie hordes and beating down mutant bosses by tapping out ridiculous phrases to fire bullets.

Typing has never been so much fun and you can build your score and secure power-ups by making as little mistakes as possible. You will genuinely get better at typing.

Obviously the difficulty ramps up as the words and sentences get longer and longer and repetetive strain injury is unavoidable but that's an affliction that's not all that unusual on Valentine's day I suppose.

There are some real gems out there for you to blast through like "Lalalalalalalalala means I wuv you", "sexy and smart bohemian dentist" and "if you were an animal, you'd be a Vulture, looking for carrion to snack on."

It might not be Byron but it'll do.

It's fairly easy to download and install the game on PC legally and for free here with a little bit of patience. If you must get physical with the dead then that's possible too.

#pushmybuttons 

7. Listen to Some Sensual Music

Nothing gets the blood pumping or takes the pain away quite like some great music. Why not dive in deep with: 

Type O Negative - Bloody Kisses

From opener Machine Screw which sounds like a porno set in an industrial steel mill you will immediately know what to expect.

It's spooky, smoky, grimy, creepy and has a dark sense of humour but above all it's sexy as hell. Each breath from the husky singer sounds like a drag of a last cigarette and you can imagine everything and everyone is clad in leather.

Throw on the utterly orgasmic Christian Woman with its haunting vocals and chugging guitars or Black No. 1 with its Munsters-esque organ and huge chunky riffs or how about Set Me On Fire which could be straight out of a high school RomCom if said RomCom was set in hell.

The devil himself makes love to this album. 

Stream it wherever you stream your music or cosy up to the devil with a physical copy here. 

 #makelovelikethedevil

8. Do Something Spontaneous

Why not spice things up a bit with your partner or go out and try a new hobby to meet someone new? Why not try:

Axe Throwing

Yes this really is a thing. Yes you really can go axe throwing. Yeah, I know it is!

Is there anything more romantic than throwing a big CHUNK of steel attached to a HUNK of WOOD at another LUMP of WOOD? SACK. Erm sorry I got a bit confused there.

9/10 lumberjacks can't be wrong (not a real statistic) so why not give it a go.

There are a few locations around the UK which you can check out here.

Alternatively just nip down to B&Q then head for the woods (HINT: THIS IS AN ATTEMPT AT HUMOUR, DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS). 

#axewound

Hopefully this list has given you some great ideas for Valentine's Day and please let me know your favourites in the comments.

Most of all, just do whatever you want. You dont have to do anything despite what society says. 

Peace. 

#boydonegood #girldonegood #maxpayneandchill #idkillforyou #tornapartbylove #havewemet? #bitemyshinymetalass #pushmybuttons #makelovelikethedevil #axewound