Episode II - Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Is Terminator 2 really one of the greatest action movies ever put to film and one of the best sequels ever made? No, it sucks! Why? Because of the genuine and expertly reasoned arguments below.

John Connor is a dick.

John runs round squealing like a stuck pig, spouting stupid catchphrases and generally being an all round douchebag. From the start we see him treat his foster parents like dirt, steal their money and roar around town on his obnoxious dirt bike. He then continues this behaviour throughout the movie by using the T-800 as his personal attack dog “are you calling moi a douchebag?” and teaching it to be more of an asshole like him “and if you really want to shine them on, it’s hasta la vista baby”. This is the guy who becomes the future leader of the human resistance? I don’t know about you but I’d have half a mind to join up with Skynet to assassinate this douche.

The T-800 is a dumbass.

Whether it’s standing on one leg like a moron (until told otherwise), allowing John Connor to order it into a dangerous rescue mission on more than one occasion (thereby jeopardising its primary mission) or giving the thumbs up whilst being lowered to its death, the T-800 is clearly a complete dumbass. Okay switching the name of the dog whilst talking to the T-1000 was a smart move I’ll give it that but otherwise it’s thick as mince. As soon as it arrives in the present day it decides to dress almost identically to the Terminator seen in the first movie which murdered a great number of civilians and police officers. Granted it was 10 years prior, but that guy’s picture must be everywhere!  Amongst other things it fails at “down low, too slow”, it’s unable to understand the concept of why killing might be a bad move (at the very least it’s hugely conspicuous!) and it casually tucks a still cocked semi-automatic pistol back into its trousers (keep an eye out, I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine that). It’s also quite happy to repeat the moronic phrases taught to it by some whiny punk douchebag kid who just happens to be the future saviour of the human race.

Sarah Connor is also a dumbass

Ok so she’s had a hard time of it and is locked in an insane asylum because no-one believes her story of an unstoppable killing machine being sent from the future to murder her unborn baby but she’s still a dumbass. In the first place, she tried to blow up a computer factory instead of taking care of her young son which led to her incarceration and inability to continue protecting him. After being told she wouldn’t see her son she flew into an unrestrained rage, ranting about the inevitable destruction of the human race further increasing the term of her incarceration and after having a bad dream she runs off to murder wholesome family man Miles Dyson who is just trying to provide for his family by reverse engineering a mysterious futuristic microchip (he probably should have stuck to cyclone vacuum cleaners). She should know full well that since John came to rescue her at the asylum, he would also try to stop her from killing Dyson and therefore jeopardise his own safety at a location the T-1000 would likely be monitoring. Derp.

Time travel Is ridiculous and makes no sense aka MY HEAD HURTS!

No Fate - “The Future’s Not Set, There is No Fate But What We Make for Ourselves”

Tell that to Kyle Reece who, in the first movie, travels from 2029 back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor but also becomes the father of the leader of the resistance he fights for in the future, his present. If that’s not a case of the future already being set, I don’t know what is.

John Connor’s future self is able to send a reprogrammed T-800 back in time to rescue him from the T-1000 sent back by Skynet. How does John Connor know to do this? Because he was there in the past to be rescued by said T-800 from the aforementioned T-1000. If John Connor exists in the future and decided not to send back a T-800, what would happen? Would his future self just disappear if killed in the past? Does it just form a new splintered alternative reality timeline? Does the universe implode?

There are more problems still. Skynet sends a Terminator back in time to assassinate Sarah Connor. John Connor sends Kyle Reece back in time to protect Sarah Connor but forgets to use protection himself leading to John Connor being born. Therefore Skynet is responsible for the creation of John Connor in the first place. Also because the remains of the first destroyed Terminator are recovered and form the basis of the work done at Cyberdyne, Skynet only exists because it sent a Terminator back in the first place. What? How does this work? My head hurts!?

Skynet is also a dumbass

In a future where John Connor is alive and can send reprogrammed Terminators back to save himself in the past, Skynet cannot win because John Connor will always know when and where a Terminator sent to kill him will strike because he is alive in the future to remember when this happened in the past (or to have been told by his mother). Phew. Skynet should surely concentrate all of its efforts on crushing the resistance in the future because if the snippets of footage we get to see, it looks like the resistance are already pretty fucked if you ask me.

It’s not funny enough.

We all know Terminator 3 is a far superior film and the reason for that is? It’s hilarious! The T-800 wearing Elton John sunglasses? Hell yeah. A “talk to the hand” reference? Yes please. Inflatable Terminator boobs? Cor blimey! Sam Worthington jumping on a mechanical sea snake whilst screaming like a madman? Oh wait that was Terminator: Salvation but still it’s another example of genius comedy making for a better Terminator film. Make T2 a slapstick comedy and it becomes a masterpiece.

The T-1000 is also a dumbass

So at the climax of the movie, in the smelting works, the T-1000 catches Sarah Connor and stabs her through the shoulder. It then attempts to get her to shout out for her son and lure him into a trap. Why does it do this? Because it’s a dumbass. We have been told and shown multiple times throughout the movie that the T-1000 can mimic characters it touches and impersonate their voices. At this moment it chooses not to “terminate” Sarah Connor (its secondary target no less), impersonate her, lure John in and murder him, go home put its feet up and have a cup of tea. Oh no, that would be the sensible thing to do. Instead it inexplicably keeps her alive, tries to use her as bait and lets her escape. It then does what it should have done in the first place and pretends to be Sarah to lure John in. Unfortunately for the doofus T-1000, Sarah Connor returns to play a major part in its demise.

A real Arnold Schwarzenegger

If there’s anything that Terminator: Salvation and Genysis (Genesis, Genysys, Genasis?) have taught us it’s that the real Arnold is old and past it but he can easily be replaced by a computer generated facsimile. In T2 he was in his prime but still, replacing the real Arnold would drastically improve the Bavarian’s performance and allow for more elaborate action scenes including cartoonish flips and shit. God how I love cartoonish flips and shit in my action movies. I mean it worked for Yoda in Attack of the Clones and that film is up there with Citizen Kane in terms of its critical acclaim. There’s a thing or two James Cameron could learn from George Lucas about going back and improving his films.

The machines cannot travel through time

In the first film it is established that only living matter can be transported through time. This explains why the T-800 and Kyle Reece arrive in 1984 starkers. It’s already a bit of a stretch to the imagination since the T-800 is about 90% non-living matter but the T-1000 is liquid fucking metal (aka mimetic poly alloy) and therefore is no part living matter. Therefore THE T-1000 CANNOT TRAVEL THROUGH TIME, yet it does.

That's it for Episode II and I'm sorry for ruining another movie for you. Go back and watch T2 and you'll see for yourself that it truly sucks.

Peace.